How to cope when you find out that your Spouse is a Homosexual?

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual

We have time and again stressed the fact, that mental health is a very fragile state, and unfortunately the most underrated one as well, especially in our country, with its orthodox mindset.

Mental health may deteriorate due to various reasons, pressures, and even because of the fact that you experience the unknown.

To top it, people refrain from consulting counseling services or even therapists for they do not want to come across as ‘mad’ or ‘delusional’, because apparently, only those need psychologists, in India. Result? Increased cases of anxiety and depression, breakups, and even suicides.

Not just mental health, sexual knowledge too limited in our country due to the taboo around the subject, so imagine the state when you are discovering your sexual orientation and figure that you are not what you have always read; straight.

Imagine what a toll it would take on your mental health when you feel you have no one to turn to.

Homosexuality, or the tendency to get attracted and fall in love with the same sex, may have been normalized in many societies across the world, but the fact remains, that in a repressive country like India, it is still a taboo.

In a country where a famous entrepreneur-cum-baba claims that he can cure a perfectly normal way someone is born with, homosexuality rarely has takers, even though we see a lot of movements to bring about awareness regarding the same.

Until today, not many individuals come out to their families as homosexuals and end up getting married, under the pressure. This not only ruins their life but also that of the unaware spouse.

Hence, here we are, trying to tell you how you can cope when you come to know that your spouse is a homosexual. How you can prevent your mental health from breaking apart with the shock of it all, and absorb it.

1. Support

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual? Step 1: Support

The first thing that you have got to do, is pull yourself together and support, yourself and your partner. You cannot change who they are, but what you can surely do is respect the trust they have shown to you and the fact that they came out to you.

Consult a specialist for both of you, so you do not break down.

2. You are not in love

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual? Step 2: Accept & Understand you are not in love

Since the partner has never been attracted towards you, there will be no equation of love to mope and cry over, which is a good thing.

You may find yourself breaking, but that is only because of the fact that you have an infatuation towards an individual, and your brain had been wired with fantasies to spend life with him or her.

You are in love with the image of the person and not with the person, which makes it easier to move on.

3. Coming out to families

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual? Step 3: Coming out to families

There comes the difficult part, but the one where you both have to be strong enough to face the ultimate truth; that you are not meant for each other, and you have to let your families know.

Given the fact that Indian families care a lot about what the society thinks, this one is going to be a colossal task.

But the fact that you have been undergoing therapy, and you are supportive of each other, makes it easier. Do it, and come out, as better sooner than never.

P.S. Be ready for solutions like compromise, and even some religious solution to the ‘problem’. Do not give in to these. Being homosexual is not a choice, and here is where you will have to switch roles with your parents and make them understand.

4. Separate as spouse; Together as friends

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual? Step 4: Separate as spouse and be friends

Stay together as friends, even after filing for a divorce. Provide each other the mental support which is required, because believe it or not, you both have gone through a lot, by getting married to each other. A friends’ support, without any expectations in return, is enough to heal a person.

5. Children

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual? Step 5: talk to your children and make them understand

Things become a lot more complicated when children come into the equation. It is as is a terrible ordeal for them to know that their parents will not be living under the same roof, anymore. But, they have to know.

Seek professional counseling for the same, so that the kids, as per their age and understanding, can know what is going on.

6. Domestic Violence

How to cope when you find out that your spouse is a homosexual? Step 6: Stop Domestic Violence

Some homosexual partners, unable to come out, resort to violence in order to take out the inner frustration. Speak up, against it. Domestic violence, in any case, is not acceptable.

In that case, the person loses the chance to have you as a friend, and even the care that you may give, as you go through the ordeal together.

Read Also: How to cope with Marital Rape

Do not give in to such violence, at any cost. Also, if the spouse is hiding his or her sexuality behind the violence, you do not need to follow the aforementioned steps for him or her. For your own mental health and sanity, leave as soon as possible, to start afresh.

Homosexuality is not a condition, it is something that a person is born with.


It is not a disease to be cured, but yes, if you find out that your spouse is one, you need to tread the path delicately, for the sake of yours and their mental health. Cope with it, and come out of it. We are here to listen and advise.

You can consult a psychologist, or if you are not comfortable, go for online counseling. Consulting an online life coach is also a great idea, who can guide you through the stress that you are undergoing.

Take a deep breath and plunge into the solutions.

To get in touch, Write to connect@cafecounsel.com or chat with experts now.

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Cafe Counsel blogs and articles are composed of a great deal of research and care. Our dedicated team of highly qualified and experienced expert counselors curates each blog to keep it informative yet very practical. We would be very happy to hear from you on our blogs. Write to us at connect@cafecounsel.com. Do consider subscribing to our blogs, so we can send the informative articles and blogs to your inbox. Team Café Counsel #whereyoumatter
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